The Question of When

The question of when has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time to adopt again? Whenwill I have enough money? When will my first child be ready for a sibling? When will I be ready to face two helpless humans who depend on me for just about everything?

As of yet, I don’t really have any answers for these questions… or a least not enough answers to make the decision. I know I want to have another child… ideally two more children. Three sounds wonderful in theory. In execution, I am not so sure. Three means a lot of money, a lot of time, and that quite frankly, I will be far outnumbered in the child to adult ratio in my household. So… lots of contemplation.

My first child, Isaac, will be three in less than a week. Up until about 6 months ago I could not even fathom the idea of having another child in my life yet. At times, I still can’t. Other times, I see how much Isaac would love to have a sibling and partner in crime to play with. I see how happy he is but also how much he could use a built-in playmate at home to pal around with. I see him playing so nicely by himself… and then I also see the spark in his eyes when another child in our neighborhood comes out to play or walks by... the longing he has to go play with someone else. And these are the times I think that it’s just time for him and me to turn into a family of three. And while I know this would ultimately be happy, it makes my heart ache just thinking about it.

And then there is another kind of heart ache. This ache is slow-building and is not actually an ache just yet. It’s the ache of wanting another baby. My baby is growing... he is a boy now. I hold back tears even just as a type that last sentence. I am so immensely proud of the strong-willed, independent, intelligent, and sensitive boy I met nearly three years ago and who I have grown to admire, love, and cherish. He is my baby. He always has bene and he always will be… but I know deep in my heart that while he grows, my heart also has room for another baby. It scares me but I know it to be true. I know we are destined to be a bigger family. We have more love to give and we have a heart for adoption.

Surely this new addition would be exactly what we need to help our family be more complete. But it would also mean that our team of two would be no more. Isaac and I have a special thing going… it’s just me and him and we talk about this a lot. We talk about how it makes us extra close and how he gets to have a mama all to himself. We often discuss how special we are to each other and how we have to help each other and be good teammates. The thought of adding someone else to our team makes me feel like we’d be losing something too… and I’m not sure either of us is ready for that.

But then again... we are… and the circle of decision making just keeps going around and around… So that’s the thing about adoption: it’s almost always a calculated decision. It’s not like pregnancy in that way… you don’t hear about children who were accidentally adopted. Adoption is a conscious and calculated decision.

At this point, I am in a place where I know I want to start the adoption process in the next 2 years. I thinkI’d like to start in the next year… but I haven’t fully decided. Adoption can be a lengthy wait so it’s feels like a catch-22… wait until we are ready to start or start and know that when the time is right, it will happen?

For now, I will wait and ponder. I am researching things I might do differently this time around than I did with Isaac. I’ll be chatting about more specifics of this in another post soon. I have decided that I will be sharing my journey here for my potential clients to read so that you can see how it plays out in real life.

Even doulas have to take time and breathe…

Xoxo, brooke

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